Why are people so awful? Society has been asking this since forever, but I’m the first doctor bold enough to develop a comprehensive solution. With the virus I’ve developed, everyone’s anterior cingulate cortex—the seat of our pesky, self-defensive, primate-stupid egos—will be disabled, finally allowing humanity to reach the heights of achievement, empathy, and evolution we were meant to. Given the light sneeze it causes, every human on earth will be “doing unto others” within the week. Out here in this busy park, I already feel a sinus tickle building…my heart flutters at the selfless generosity everyone’s about to experience forever.