I realize how absurd this sounds, but: We can’t let this goldfish die, because however well we treat it, that’s how well we get treated. In a very real sense, this fish is God. How do I know? Let’s just say I tapped its bowl, and a 7.3 earthquake struck Eastern—well, too late now. I won it at this weird little fair, and now the world’s events exactly parallel the fish’s ups and downs. So no matter what, we must keep it oxygenated, happy—is that a thing?—and definitely not overfed. Or underfed! Oh God. Sorry: Oh Fish.