Half of the ship’s hibernating passengers were tragically decimated by a surprise meteor field that penetrated the hull. Hundreds more were taken out when a digital virus got loose within the onboard mind-entertainment VR system, causing people’s brains to explode in Rorschach-esque splatters across the inside of their tempered-glass cryosleep coffins. Which leaves us, the three survivors, about to be the first humans to step foot on a non-terrestrial planet. Don’t forget: I once ran (unsuccessfully) for VP of my high school’s student council.
So, uh, that’s my campaign speech…Are we all ready to vote on our new President now?